My spiritual journey

I have always been a good guy, decent or tried to be, and kind where I could. And I've always been a seeker, looking for a connection to the divine, but never seemed to hit on it, except in moments that catch you off guard. Like being around kids, or the smell if cut grass, or in my dreams. I'm a very rational (some would disagree) guy and have always believed in critical thinking, building on truths. This walk has beaten me down. I've been thrust into some barbaric world, where its me against the elements, Tom against nature and himself. It has been a daily battle, but its helped me to deconstruct some truths I had rationed out. Its brought me to a place of being completely alone and in the dark. And sure its a scary place, but there's also freedom in that. So though I'm still me, I have changed even to myself. I remember looking in the mirror, and instead of the four, all hope is lost guy that used to stare back; there was this whole other guy I didn't even recognize. When I started praying at the beginning of this sojourn, it was to have someone to talk to, but more so someone to blame. It was a demanding kind of prayer, and to be fair, this trek was my last way of proving that there was no divine. Over the years I have done some stupid things. I drove across America with no money in my pocket, and no sure place to end up. This walk is an extension of that, since I didn't find what I was looking for there. I took myself completely out of any kind of comfort zone. So it took me awhile in the road for the attitude in which I prayed to change. I went from demanding to doing so in humility, pleading in some cases. There was also a change in my heart, in that I was no longer everyone's judge and jury, but someone who really cares. A good guy without the dour exterior. And then my prayers were answered. In the oddest of ways and at the mist unexpected times, what I prayed about was resolved. It took me a little bit to put two and two together. I am not used to praying for something and getting it. Its a very weird concept for me. So after a few weeks of this, I prayed that Christ come into my life and to guide me as he would. There wasn't a divine moment or anything like that. But I realized even before I said that prayer that a place that had always been empty was filled. I can't really define what used to be there, loneliness probably. But in its fullness now, that emptiness was profound. I have chosen to let god show me the proper path, as I'm not to keen on organized religion, nor the bible. But I am remaining open, as that is the only way to growth.