Walking

Everyday, my walk started with breaking camp,  taking a deep breathe and walking quickly from my hidden spot to the open shoulder of the road. From then until late afternoon I would walk. Sometimes purposefully, sometimes dragging my feet, but I would walk throughout the day. Only in walking, in movement could I find peace, the serenity of action; they rhythm of a body walking. When I was younger, I always did my best thinking while walking. Walking to clear my head, walking to sort out a problem or heartache. But as I grew older, busier, lazy; I stopped walking. And I would instead stare blankly at a computer screen. As the technology became more advanced, the movements of my body became less. Until I found myself with a laptop on my 24/7. I had my work area on the right side of the screen, Netflix in a little window on the left and an online game at the bottom left.  my mind was being filled constantly with a TV show,  an interactive game, or designing a website. I became a master of multitasking.  I was constantly being filled with some kind of interactivity or another. All the while, remaining very still, and almost motionless. My mind no longer took shelter in the quiet midnight walks, and things that bothered me stayed unresolved. Then I just got stuck. Stuck on a madhouse of my own design. I remembered the good times of my younger days, when I felt the most free. I tried to rekindle interests from my past to try and light the fire again in my spirit. I wanted to be free again, I wanted to be happy again. I had so many things left unresolved in my head and heart. Forgiveness that I couldn't grant, anger, and a deep lingering loneliness. Everyday I would wake up and set new goals just to get through the day. And I dreamt of the day I could quit my life and start anew. People walk out on jobs all the time. I wanted to walk out on the dreariness that had become my life. I read books on others who walked across the country,  and daydreamt about it. Intellectually I saw the benefits, the weight loss, the freedom. But I also saw the darker side, that if I wanted to,  I could simply crawl into a hole and wither away. Then it came to pass that I had no other real choice. Like some part of my subconscious was leading me to the walk. Had I more time to really think on it, I probably would have not started. Even before the walk, the idea of it scared the crap out of me. I was excited about it, and that overrode my fear. But it was a brave new world, and I knew It would be all or nothing. The first few days of the walk were nice. It was like going camping. But as the weeks progressed and the heat, the cold,  the rains, and the dangerous situations happened, the walk quickly turned into a miserable lifestyle choice. I learned about faith and that surely saved me. But something else happened. Something unexpected and visceral. I was walking.  I had plenty of time to think. But even things that I didn't know we're bothering ne, but that weighed heavily on my heart, we're getting resolved. Just by walking, my spirit slowly unraveled itself, without any conscious effort. I began feeling happiness. For the first time in years, I woke up in the morning without the weight of hurt or anger. And I was able to see the good in people, in life. And I was able to forgive myself for all the things I let go, all the poor choices, and not living up to my own standards. I was able to see the beauty again, and living in the moment, my slate was wiped clean. Walking. Walking was the first step in me starting over. Now,  I'm happy. I'm content.  And I'm excited about my future.