Back

I texted my friend in denison, and back hiked the remaining 7 miles to his place. I hurt all over, but at least I'm dry and nor wading through tropical storm Bill.my ankle is doing much better for the rest and new insoles but now some muscle in my thigh has been giving me issues.i like to think that when walking, I'm making strides with my head held high, but more likely I'm limping and straining the whole way.
The more I think about the cougar,  the more it freaks me out. Walking alone, it could pounce on me coming from the tall grass on the side of the road, and drag me into the grass, and likely not be seen by passing cars. If I saw one, I can react with my new air horn, bear spray, and a metal bar or screwdriver if need be. But cougars pounce,  so it's more likely, it would pounce from the grass, or from a tree, and I wouldn't even see it coming. It would be quick and unseen.
From what I gather, most people, even experienced hikers don't ever see a cougar. They are elusive, sneaky,  and smart. My thought was that when going out west,  I would just avoid large rock outcroppings and in the desert, you have a better view of things.  But encountering one here, just fifteen miles outside of a town I spent my youth is just scary. 
The whole way back into town, I kept stopping every twenty feet checking behind me, scanning the grass.  I also had the thought that it would be super sneaky to get a little ahead of me and attack when I was looking back, so I would do a full 360 scan. The fact that it came at me in broad daylight across a somewhat busy highway concerns me. I had always thought that the road was my safe zone. That those loud barreling Diseil trucks would scare away animals during daylight hours at least. It was about 5pm and fairly busy time of day. I guess it's possible that the cougar has adapted to the noise and commotion of cars, adapting to the encroachment of civilization.
I had come to the realization that if I was bit by a rattlesnake, I could just limp to the roadside and flag someone down. A bear, I would likely see coming, and coyotes, I would just have to deal. But a cougar...even being very aware isn't enough. Now with my other thoughts regarding the walk, I'm very hesitant. Buy maybe a good night's sleep will give me some clarity.

Spent

The night behind walmart strategically behind a bush. There's rain in the air and my goal today is whiteright.  Getting past the puma is a little bit of a worry. But I don't see another option. Maybe it will have moved on. The thing is because of the tsll grasses, I would likely never see it coming. But I plan on staying very alert. And gonna pick up an air horn in a sec if I can. I see yesterday as God keeping me safe. Had it attacked me under the bridge, or after I made camp, I would be puma bait already. The fact that it came over the road at me was a blessing. And that car that shipped by in the nick of time and almost hit it. I like how the cougar website for America says there's no mountain lions in east and central parts of the US. But yet everyone knows someone that has seen one.

Conflicted

Never did get that rest time. The sun was out and I figured I would walk, instead of sitting there in the heat. Walking, I've been thinking about the road ahead and the road I've already traveled. This is my first day back on the road after a very nice oasis with a good friend.  My time in Denison was very nice and fulfilling and I can see living there.  With the new money being channeled into the area, there's new growth and opportunity where before there was only a ghost. And there's lake Texoma which is probably the best swimming, good time lake I've ever been to. I have been so far from happy for so long, I'm not sure I know what it looks like. But the last week or so is definitely a highlight in the last several years.
But it could also be that I am not looking forward to some aspects of the walk. I can do the walk to Utah, and I know that I will make it. There are challenges, but I can face them. My time on the road thus far, has shown me that I can meet anything that comes my way. Even the night camping and the heat don't really hold any dread, just annoyance.
I guess the only real concern I have about the walk is the destination. If I was doing the walk so I could go from point A to point B, I don't think there would be doubt about continuing on. But I'm going from point A to my happy place. I'm not walking for a cause, I'm walking for myself. And though lake powell definitely holds a yearning, I worry that I will get there as the summer is ending. That limits the jobs in the area signifigantly. And if I'm unable to work, I will have to move on to another locale. And what if I get there, it's just a lake in a desert, no happy thoughts?
And lastly, I feel an obligation to those following my journey. I enjoy the walk immensely and would be sad to leave that behind. But it will end one day.
For the first time since I started, I feel fully prepared, physically, mentally, spritually, and with regard to my gear. I guess I will just keep walking until I figure it out.

Day 93

I only got a few hours sleep last night, so I'm a little tired. I use the map quest app to see the road ahead using the aerial view feature, checking our the terrain, looking for bridges and clumps of trees that don't look fenced. Looking ahead yoday, there are 3 bridges at 2, 6, and 10 miles. Most of the flooding has gone down, so that gives me hope that one of them will do the trick. Regardless though, the third bridge will have to work if the other two don't because it's the last option for another 10 miles after that.
There's a walmart just around the corner where I intend to get some new indokes, Off, and some new bandanas. Luckily the next hundred miles or do has a fair amount of civilization,  even as far as Wichita Falls. Right now though, I have a few hours to blow. sunset is around 830 and if the furthest distance I may go today is 10 miles, that's 5 hours at most. Which means I can take a break til 330 and still have plenty of time to make it to a good spot. If one of the closer bridges works out, all the better.

Back on the road

And it kinda hurts. Just finished walking  about 4 miles and I'm covered on sweat.  Don't know if it's the humidity or being out of shape, from laying on the couch the last nine days. Luckily it's been cool, if muggy,  and the sun hasn't really made an insistent appearance. my goal today is a bridge about another 9 miles away. I don't want to start my walk by having to seek out a campspot on a long road and barbwire fences. Just a nice easy day will suit me fine.
These last week or so relaxing has been so good for both my body and spirit. Brian was a generous and most excellent host, but that is the way of hobbits. I feel renewed, and ready for the walk again in a short time. That is not to say I wasn't tempted to stay and make my home in Denison, I was. Still am. And I guess if when I finish the walk, I may come back here. But I still feel unfinished. Like the transformation that started on the walk needs to be completed. That I am still, not the whole person o am meant to be. It's only 3 months, and the best part is still ahead. I guess living like a normal person for awhile has made me appreciate it.

Late night thoughts

I can't sleep,  and pretty excited about the days ahead. I got some much needed supplies at walmart today including some locking bins that will keep my clothes nice and dry should the tarp not do the trick. I really haven't been doing any walking for the last 9 days, with the exception of a few miles on two ocaissions. So I'm wondering how much the walk will affect me. My ankle feels much better, but will be paying closer attention to it. I've got 5 gallons of water now, a 2 liter of soda, and two coolers for ice, the ones with the screw on lids. Bought some food like deviled ham with individual packets of crackers. And Brian hooked me up with some MRE's, so I have enough sustenance foods for about 2 weeks. I really need some shut eye. Alas.

Countdown

"It is a barren wasteland, riddled with fire, ash, and dust. The very air you breathe is a poisonous fume. Not with ten-thousand men could you do this. It is folly. "

Been thinking about this quote from lord of the rings lately in anticipation of the next leg of the journey.  I'm excited and am having trouble thinking about anything else. Technically I'm good and have the gear and supplies needed to resume the walk. But there are little things that make life a little easier that I plan to get. Another large thermos style cooler with a screw on lid, for more ice capacity. A bin or tub to help better organize my cart and keep my gear dry. Maybe a tan tarp if they have one, to better conceal my tent in the desert. And if I could find a way to rig a cup holder to my rickshaw poles, that would be awesome!
I'm also getting tired of tuna. So may try some other canned foods that taste better. I've been getting more of an appetite lately and need food with flavor.
Spoke on the phone with Keith from the atlantic2pacific walkers. They are in texas as well, but walking a more southerly route. We share the same apprehensions about camping, water, and dangerous wildlife, and exchanged ideas. It was nice to talk shop with someone experiencing the same journey.
Though the walk ahead has some definite challenges, I am ready to go out and meet them.  This last week or so off, has been a saving grace and so thankful to Brian for offering his home and hospitality to me. 

Destination

Been thinking alot about my destination and m6 hopes when getting there. I will be arriving at the end of summer so I may have a problem getting a job, as it's a resort town. And if for some reason it's not the place for me, where then? Head north to provo, or on to cali? I guess I have a couple of months to think on it.
Tonight we grilled some large ribeye steals on the grill along with baked potatoes.  I have been craving steak since the walk started. It was a very satisfying meal and I'm so thankful to be able to eat well before the resumption of the walk. I will probably still be able to do 15 miles a day in this heat, but can't really plan for more. Not looking forward to the heat, but ready to start walking again. My ankle with what I can only assume has a stress fracture, is still a little sore, but healing.

Top 10 things I dislike about the walk

10. Stealth camping. I've gotten used to it, but still don't like it. If I can find a spot early enough it's great. But usually there's only about an hour before dark nowadays that I have to find a place and it's just plain stressful.
9. Dirty laundry. Just walking 15 miles in the heat on one day covers you in sweat. But then compile that with several days, well, it just gets odorous. I use baby wipes every night to bathe, and my clothes are synthetic mostly so that helps,  but the clothes absorb the sweat and salt from my skin,  and theres no good option until I hit a laundromat.
8. Alone in a void. There are some days, I don't talk with anyone, and no one stops, and it's like my whole existence is to walk alone. That's why when I do see people, and they're nice, it fills me with energy.
7. Fences. It's pretty frustrating to find a great spot, just to find a hidden barbwire fence. I could cross them I suppose, but Texans take it personal when you do that. It makes it so that I have to plan my end of day better, usually so I'm near a town, where it's more likely to have unfenced areas.
6. Diseil engines. Just about every truck has one and the are insanely loud. Under a bridge,  you hear it barreling down on you miles away, and when the pass you on the roadway there's this thunderous basso. Mostly I've gotten used to it, but it still catches me off guard.
5. Grind days. These are days where, either I've been in a long stretch of nothing or I'm hurrying towards a safe haven. When I was in the Navy in boot camp, we had a large area of asphalt called the grinder, where we spent most of the day excercising. It was pretty miserable, and pushing myself to make the miles has that same feel.
4. The heat. It's getting into the 90's here and soon will reach the 100s. Similar to the crazy humidity,  the dry oppressive heat is just as daunting.  It's like a weight pushing you down. But unlike the south, sitting on the shoulder is worse. You could seriously fry an egg there. So it's walk more with less sit down rest stops.
3. Roadkill. Every mile there has been some kind of roadkill. Squirrels,  chipmunks, skunks, deer, a bear, dogs, falcons, cats, turtles,  armadillos,  birds, possum, snakes, mice, you name it. And though I've gotten used to seeing it; the odor carries and can turn a beautiful morning into something nauseating.
2. Dark days. Especially when I'm out on a stretch, one thing that keeps me sane is being connected via Facebook or even just text messaging. So when it's cloudy and rainy, my solar charger does nothing and I feel alone in the wild with a low or dead battery.
1. Snakes. I'm fairly ambivalent about snakes, and had them as a kid. But the poisonous kind fill me with apprehension. So far my goal has been to stay away from water sources thus avoiding water moccasins,  but now rattlesnakes are common on my upcoming route, and I'm just not happy about it. It means being even more wary on the side of the road.

Walking

Everyday, my walk started with breaking camp,  taking a deep breathe and walking quickly from my hidden spot to the open shoulder of the road. From then until late afternoon I would walk. Sometimes purposefully, sometimes dragging my feet, but I would walk throughout the day. Only in walking, in movement could I find peace, the serenity of action; they rhythm of a body walking. When I was younger, I always did my best thinking while walking. Walking to clear my head, walking to sort out a problem or heartache. But as I grew older, busier, lazy; I stopped walking. And I would instead stare blankly at a computer screen. As the technology became more advanced, the movements of my body became less. Until I found myself with a laptop on my 24/7. I had my work area on the right side of the screen, Netflix in a little window on the left and an online game at the bottom left.  my mind was being filled constantly with a TV show,  an interactive game, or designing a website. I became a master of multitasking.  I was constantly being filled with some kind of interactivity or another. All the while, remaining very still, and almost motionless. My mind no longer took shelter in the quiet midnight walks, and things that bothered me stayed unresolved. Then I just got stuck. Stuck on a madhouse of my own design. I remembered the good times of my younger days, when I felt the most free. I tried to rekindle interests from my past to try and light the fire again in my spirit. I wanted to be free again, I wanted to be happy again. I had so many things left unresolved in my head and heart. Forgiveness that I couldn't grant, anger, and a deep lingering loneliness. Everyday I would wake up and set new goals just to get through the day. And I dreamt of the day I could quit my life and start anew. People walk out on jobs all the time. I wanted to walk out on the dreariness that had become my life. I read books on others who walked across the country,  and daydreamt about it. Intellectually I saw the benefits, the weight loss, the freedom. But I also saw the darker side, that if I wanted to,  I could simply crawl into a hole and wither away. Then it came to pass that I had no other real choice. Like some part of my subconscious was leading me to the walk. Had I more time to really think on it, I probably would have not started. Even before the walk, the idea of it scared the crap out of me. I was excited about it, and that overrode my fear. But it was a brave new world, and I knew It would be all or nothing. The first few days of the walk were nice. It was like going camping. But as the weeks progressed and the heat, the cold,  the rains, and the dangerous situations happened, the walk quickly turned into a miserable lifestyle choice. I learned about faith and that surely saved me. But something else happened. Something unexpected and visceral. I was walking.  I had plenty of time to think. But even things that I didn't know we're bothering ne, but that weighed heavily on my heart, we're getting resolved. Just by walking, my spirit slowly unraveled itself, without any conscious effort. I began feeling happiness. For the first time in years, I woke up in the morning without the weight of hurt or anger. And I was able to see the good in people, in life. And I was able to forgive myself for all the things I let go, all the poor choices, and not living up to my own standards. I was able to see the beauty again, and living in the moment, my slate was wiped clean. Walking. Walking was the first step in me starting over. Now,  I'm happy. I'm content.  And I'm excited about my future.

Lazy days

Slept til 2, and woke up to the AC at full blast. It was probably my most relaxing sleep since I started the walk. After picking me up last night, got to his house and talked late into the night. I was tired,  but it was very relaxing and enjoyable to catch up. Today Brian treated me to golden coral, and though I've never been a big buffet fan; I was like a kid in a candy store. It was an indulgence of lots of food. My stomach the size of peanut got stretched so that I felt like my skin was separating from my ribs. Walking from the restaurant, overfill and limping from yesterday's walk, must have been funny to watch. After getting back to the house we had more good conversation and started sharing musical talents. Normally my days of rest in a hotel haven't lasted more than two days. And so after getting there and sleeping, the next day was spent preparing for the next days departure; doing laundry, repacking, and enjoying the AC and civilization for as long as possible. Without the pressure of being on the road tomorrow, I really got a chance to relax physically and mentally. It's just a nice feeling to be able to take some time to do nothing.

Mineola

Is a nice little texas town. The people are friendly and it's got that a nice home town feel. I got a much needed haircut, an ankle brace, vitamins and groceries. I was tempted to do laundry, but what's the point really? my clothes are still in the "not that bad" category, and it's 5-7 days till denison. It's almost 2 and I don't expect to make many miles today, but still going to try, even though what I'd like is to find a nice shade spot and take a nap. The walk is an all-in kind of enterprise and though rewarding, is also tiring. Greenville is 50 miles from here and marks my halfway point for my journey. It's like I'm on the big middle of a book, so it's not as exciting as the beginning or the end. But pretty soon, I will be "out west", and that's very exciting!

Don't judge me!

You know who you are. I had to get a motel room. Well, that or do the night walk thing, which never turns out good. I found a second picnic area around 5, thinking I could camp in the nearby woods. But the woods had some kind of 4 wheeler course. So I moved on. Everything was underwater for the next 3 miles. Then just as I was about a block from all houses,  I looked up and saw a crappy motel. Of my options it was the best one. I had intended to build another 7 layers of dirt, but I guess fate had other plans. My ankle is really not having fun these last few days. Tomorrow I'm going to try for an ankle brace and vitamins at walmart. Then it's another 7 or so days north to Denison. Denison is my old stomping grounds, and an old friend offered his couch to recoup from the journey; and I'm am so thankful. I'm bushed.

My father

I suppose back in the day, he was a decent man. He just had a problem with alcohol. Still does I guess. My mom and he divorced when I was young. I had a good childhood but don't have any good memories of him. All the memories I do have, revolve around being chastised in some way. After the divorce, he stayed in touch for a few years, but then nothing. A card here and there maybe. So I grew up without a father, mostly. There were those that filled the opening for a time, but it always seemed a tenative position. My mom had to be both mom and dad, and she did a good job. But there was something missing. I'm not saying having a father in your life is mandatory, especially one who doesn't care. But there are things that get missed out on. Like learning how a man is supposed to act in a relationship with a woman, or how a man is supposed to act with his child. How to deal with everyday frustrations. Men are from Mars and women from venus. My mom did a good job, but there are just certain things she couldn't teach. So here I am years later, thinking about this, not for the first time, and I no longer feel that missing piece of my life. In my walk with god, I feel that emptiness filled,  and it's nice. It's nice to have that protection,  to know someone is looking out for you, and someone to help guide my decisions.

Phew

Walked about 20 miles thus far and I'm pooped. My legs or feet hurt to some extent everyday and today it's a nice stiffness that has stayed with me throughout the day. Alot of times just walking thru it helps,  other times the heat of the movement and sun, warm them sufficiently so as not to be too bad. But today, just ouch! The temperature here just keeps getting hotter and hotter for every minute the sun's out, so later in the day is that much hotter. Last time I looked it was 96, not sure now. My uncle offered to pick me up after he got off, and good thing, because on a normally I would stealth camp asap. I wish I could figure a way to attach an umbrella so the sun wasn't constantly beating down on me. And think, it's just going to get hotter. Today is one of those days, I've asked myself repeatedly, what was I thinking?! Lol.

Special

Almost from the day we are born, we are instilled with the notion that we are special.  That we are meant for greatness and our lives will mean something.  Or that we will be the turning point in other people's lives, that our existence wasn't for nothing. My whole life I've been a dreamer and a daydreamer. In my imaginings I made a difference for others.  But in my day to day, I did very little in the way of making a difference,  and I never did achieve that potential. Even this walk, as special as it is, isn't what I'm meant to be or fo, it's a journey to that. Maybe all of life is just that journey and that potential is a life of meaning realized. On this walk, I have prayed alot. Alot. Mostly I have prayed for the rain to go away. Because as we all have learned, rain is a walk kilker. That's when I realized that my prayers were being answered. When a full on storm front was headed directly at me, and the suddenly it would part. Or that it would come at me like a wall for a thousand miles, and then just as it was upon me, go around my location like the eye of the storm. It sounds crazy, I know. But it's happened many times. Too many times to be the luck of the draw. There are other things too, but the praying to stay dry, and having the storm front,  not touch me, really dislodged my logic, and caused me to believe; and that was the inception of my faith and walk with god. It also,  made me feel special. That I mattered, and what I'm doing matters, my walk, my life matters. Normally, I'm a very rational kind of guy. Big on critical thinking, and facts. But there are things that though could be explained,  in many ways defy logic. And I choose to see those things as the acts of a benevolent god, helping me on my journey.

Texas

Hit the Texas border not long ago and it feels good to have made it this far. A guy passing by gave me 20 bucks and I was able to get a new cooler,  ice and Gatorade.  I hope to make it to Dallas in the next 2 weeks, then north to denison, then NW to Amarillo.  It's gonna take at least a month and a half, maybe two. Texas is just big. Thanks so much for all the encouragement and support!

Grace

Been doing some thinking today.  My walk has been slow, because my right calf/ankle is sore, so been taking it easy and frequent breaks to rest it. But thinking about grace and my walk with god. I see a lot of churches with grace in their names, and I guess that was my spark. I have lived most of my life without its presence, and that was fine. I was agnostic before the walk. Note that I said agnostic versus atheist. Agnostic is about not knowing versus not believing. But in my world, there was a set of checks and balances, a rhythm of receiving and returning. You buy me dinner, and I will buy yours the next time around. But the last few years I've been short on friends because I removed myself from the world to live in my solitary hole. So even the tit for tat was infrequent. With family you automatically get grace, or at least in mine. The same for friends and loved ones. Getting grace from complete strangers is in my experience a rarity. But here I am now on this walk, and not only have my friends and family pitched in to keep this journey alive and afloat. But complete strangers. Whether it's to donate towards the walk or because I appear homeless  (which I suppose in the strictest sense I am), it doesn't matter, because the giving is the important part. Giving when there is no motive but to make someone's life better. Then there's god's grace. Praying, I've asked for safety, to keep animals from my path, I've asked for money, I've asked for the sun to come out, and I've asked to stay dry; and every time my prayer was answered. Coming from a life of hoping, to a life of getting what I ask for, is a completely foreign idea. It's that grace from god, that gives me hope, joy, and freedom to enjoy the walk where I would normally dispair.  And because I've been given grace, I in turn feel the imperative to grant it. I guess it's paying it forward.  It makes me want to be less judgemental,  and more kind. More the kind of person I want to be.

Backpacking is not fun

Or at least not with all the gear I have. I never considered weight as a factor, so it's no wonder my pack is hideously overweight. I ended up taking the local transit, when I figured that walking a mile, stopping for 45 minutes to recuperate wasn't going to get me to south shreveport before midnight. So now I'm about a mile away and scoping out some spots just in case. I just hate the idea of imposing myself into someone else's life and like to be as independent as I am able. I hadn't really planned on naming the new cart, but seems you guys have other plans. I'm game. It's weird, it's 86 degrees now but just not really feeling the humidity. Maybe I crossed that invisible line where humidity stops beating the crap out of you. And maybe it's mother nature playing a cruel trick. I'm looking forward to being on the road again. The hotel stay was nice, don't get me wrong.  I just really enjoy the new sights every mile.

Tornado

Last night there was a tornado warning and it was storming fiercely. The rain was going sideways and I was very relieved to be indoors. I decided that spending the money on a washing machine was the better part of Valor, as the clothes kept on dirtying the water even after 15 min of wringing them out. Manny, the cart is gone. I was able to salvage the tube for use on the next cart, so that's a plus. Now I have to walk 12 miles with everything on my back. I got rid of my boots I was keeping for a backup pair, but looking at them in the light, they were past their expiration date. Oh, and saved my rickshaw poles. Within the last few days, my umbrella mysteriously disappeared,  probably slipped it's noose on the cart. My poncho is dead and doesn't really keep me dry. I think that the next rain, I will just be wet and miserable. As long as I have a dry set to change into, I'm good. each day as the walk progresses, it's a test of what us needed and what's not. gearwise and spiritually. And eventually even stuff you were hanging onto for a rainy day, get trashed.