Attitude

It's been brought to my attention that I may have the tendency to point out the negative aspects in my life a little too much. Though I agree with this sentiment, I am also a fan of full disclosure. I hate it when people online or in person only share half of their experiences, the positive things.
To me the negative things are just as important to share. Who wants to live in a world without balance? I don't believe in sharing only portions of my life. Sure, I may over share to those close to me, and that's something I'm working on.
My problem is that I think too much. That circular thinking where if I can't come up with a viable solution, I get negative.  Then try a new solution to a problem in my head, rinse and repeat.
Lately I've been very negative about the job and starting from scratch. And though I haven't really shared, I am also very thankful for alot of things, including said job.
I ended my walk in denison. A small podunk town with very little in the way of commerce or a thriving job market. I've got 7 years experience in a call center, and coincidentally, I landed a job a 1/2 mile away from the house. In a call center, in this small podunk town. The unlikeliness that I would find a reasonably paying job,  with a guaranteed 40 hours, within a short walk from the house, in denison of all places, is amazing!
I'm extremely grateful for my buddy, which I hadn't seen in 20 years for taking me in and making sure I didn't want for any basic necessities while I scrounge my life back together into something resembling a fresh start. My mom was really helped in that fresh start too, by making sure I had money for food and clothing to get started again. At 46, it's a little ridiculous to be in this kind of position, but having friends, family, and a good running start is something I am extremely grateful for.
At the begining if this blog, I made it my mission statement not to delete any posts. To be completely honest, and share things I would normally keep to myself. I have no idea if anyone is even reading this thing anymore, and I guess it doesn't matter.
My point is that my posts are completely me without censorship. It's the same with social media, and me in person. There's alot going on in my head at any one time. So if I'm overly negative, I would appreciate a poke, to let me know it's getting to be a little much.
I'm pretty tired, so hopefully this post will make sense to me on the morrow.

The in between time

Between adventures, it's hard to stay positive and optimistic. I'm an all or nothing kind of guy, but have lately been striving for positive and upbeat. It's really an uphill battle sometimes. I am grateful of good friends and a great family, and that offsets some of the negative aspects of life in between adventures. But it also made me realize that their were people only along for the ride, and when my walk was ended,  so too were their interest in my well being. Anyone will tell you that I am very direct and have no room for BS in my life. So it irks me when I realize that some peeps were only there for the celebrity and not as a friend. I guess thems the breaks.
But on the upside (trying to think positive), I can also see those who have stuck with me into my life of normal. And it makes me appreciate them all the more.

Tolerance

Lately I'm just very impatient. The call center is okay, but I think my personality has changed whereas I used to be cool with the work. Very short interactions with lots of people used to okay,  but now it's just annoying.
After being on the walk and experiencing a normal life again, it makes me wonder who would ever choose this? Though computers have brought some instant satisfaction and fun, to a relatively boring day; they has also really degraded the day to day life, working in cubicles, just crap.
My problem is that thus far, this is all I've ever done, so finding a quick alternative for cash is not an option now.
Laptop, car. Then it's decision time.

The great outdoors

Sitting here on my day off, with a fan blowing hor air in my face. I keep thinking about the walk and missing it. Not really the walk itself, but the adventure of it. Everyday seeing something new, and living on the razors edge.
For a very long time, I've wondered what it is that I was missing from my younger days that left me tired and unhappy with life. What was it that was stripped away from me that left me barely hanging on. And then today,  I figured it out.
You would think that after my walk that life would be different. I am different I think, but I have the same mindset. Get a job and get comfy. And though there's nothing wrong with that, there was definitely the lack of intent. Making money to have things is not an intentional lifestyle. And that I'd exactly what I have been doing for the last 10 or so years of my life, living without happy.
The missing element was the vision.  Since I didn't have one, I developed this idea that I was content with the things money could buy. And maybe for some people that is enough. But for me, making money and saving to buy shit, is meaningless without the knowledge that it's in transition to a new place. Somewhere along the way, I had to have a destination. And that's when I started loosing the happy.
Sitting here, I'm thinking about the steps I need to take to get to a place where I'm comfy, and all i feel is dread. Because that is not a happy thought for me. Making money to buy shit. I'm not talking about necessities,  but things like thinking that if I make the right choices with money and career, that I will be able to buy a nice cabin in the mountains, and be able to travel. But that's a long wait for a train don't come. 
There are some hikers that get jobs just to to get enough money to support their next hike. And I think I'm of that mindset. 
The mistake I've made is thinking that a dollar amount would fix my problems. I started web design to design really kickass websites, but then to make the rent, I ended up making commercial trash. It's no wonder I got sick of it. I've kept hourly jobs that I hated for years because it paid better than another kind if job. I got stuck in suck.  And I definitely don't want to go there again.
The vision for me is to travel, everywhere. To be on the edge of tomorrow daily.  And to not regret each and every day.
That doesn't mean I will quit jobs I don't like, but in my mind they are temporary. I don't need much to live happily.
Stopping my walk, and coming back to normal is uncomfortable in that I realized, I don't want that normal. My happy place is in the journey and the razors edge.

My path

Almost every day I think about my walk with god and what it means to me. On the walk, I felt his voice loud in my ear, but now there's just a quite serenity. My heart is peaceful, and I'm content with that.
Initially when I first felt the presence if god, I was worried that my acceptance to do his will, whatever that might be, would turn me into a sword bearing christian soldier.

I have met so many Christians in my life that were so into the legalism of God's love that that they transformed themselves into a malformed version of what their walk with god should be. And I was worried that I would suddenly become close-minded,  immune to new ideas, and judgmental.

The bible has always held a fair amount of mixed emotions for me. It's an oxymoron and I'm amazed that book has survived as the goto guide for christianity. I do not believe it's the inerrant word of god, nor do I believe that it completely represents the truth of christ.

I personally choose to take the love, grace, and forgiveness aspects from Christ's teachings and pay no heed to any of the rest. I found a very cool website at jesuswithoutbaggage.com and it's a blog that has a community with like sentiments.

I hesitate to say I'm a christian at all. Because in today's world, christians have created rituals that were 'inspired' from the bible. And in daily life, they set bar for how your walk with god should be.

So, my thing was that I wanted to walk in God's presence, do as he would have me do, just without the bible or christian legalism to push me in a direction I didn't want. And I have. God didn't lead me to be judgmental an arbiter of rules. He didn't lead me to the bible or the way christians do things now. I didn't have to quit anything, nor have I been led to.

I will not be "witnessing" to anyone, nor will I be sharing my belief. My walk with god is mine. I am open to talking about god, but please refrain from trying to convince me that your view of Christianity is the only true way.

What I have found is peace and contentment. I am a little quicker to smile and less quick to anger. My heart is more sympathetic and understanding than I was. Life is a great adventure and I look to the future with hope.

Payday

My first payday in about 6 months and it feels good. But like on the walk everything is like water to a dry sponge, there's nothing left over. I don't remember being this destitute. It was only half a normal check (one week), and after food, toiletries, clothes,  and rent; I'm broke again.
But I guess things will get better as time passes.  Next payday, I intend on getting a laptop, and then start saving for a car. After all my time on the walk,  camping in a tent, I really have a strong urge to have a car. There's security in knowing I have a safe place to sleep should I need it. Don't get me wrong, my buddy has been great, and I don't expect that to change. But having the security of a car, something that's mine; I guess it's a security blanket of sorts.
Once I get a laptop, I will be able to do web design again and that will definitely help with saving money.
My intent is to break new ground, and not to repeat the life I had before the walk. My goal is to be happy and to live the life I've always wanted. I don't know what that's going to be, just what it's not. This is just the begining.

Epilogue, sort of

It's been about a month since I realized that I didn't have to keep punishing myself, to get to a place of meaning in my life. Somewhere along the way, I bought into the idea that I had done wrong in my life, taken too many wrong turns, that the only solution was to punish myself, by turning myself into a destitute wandering wayward spirit. Sure, there was definitely a positive adventurous side to my decision. Taking the path less travelled,  and opening myself up to destiny. But even after I found my happy place within, I kept walking. Mostly because I felt like I would let people down who encouraged and supported me on the trek. Finally, here in texas, I stopped.
Looking back, the near death puma encounter definitely had an influence on my decision. I'm a fairly big guy, 6'2 at about 245 lbs. Not what I would consider an easy meal for a puma. But I realized that I had been limping for most of the second half of my trip. Wounded prey. And it led to the understanding that I was not enjoying the journey as much, in fact, in some aspects, I dreaded going back to the walk.
It's a hard thing to walk away from walking away. Like coming back to reality after a nice vacation. I have been somewhat worried that I would just go back to a place of unhappy. And to some extent, that's true. I've got a soulless job, that after only a week, I really don't like. Endless cubicles.  But I need it now, and like on the walk where there were long stretches of nothing, and everyday I would push myself to make miles; this is no different. I'm pushing myself to make money through miserable days of emptiness. But unlike before, I know what i want. I know that it's only temporary and that my next destination is only time away.
My immediate goals are to get a laptop and a car. I'm starting from scratch, so I need to eat my Ramen noodles and be thankful it's not tuna on the shoulder of the road. I have been doing some web design on my friend's laptop,  but plan on kicking it into high gear once I get my own. And this time, no more of that commercial crap, but design that makes me happy. I also want to write a novel, and learn to play the guitar and travel. I still want to blog, but haven't decided if I should start a new site, or continue with this one.